by Geoffrey Winssinger
So Heaven has an office in Culver City Culver City
Now, the lobby or waiting room or whatever it is called, a portal to Heaven, or even a piece of Heaven on Earth should be nicer than this place was, and it certainly shouldn’t have music by Kid Rock playing softly in the background. Well, unless that is a sly trick to keep demons and such away, cause when I walked in and heard it, I almost left. Crafty angels, always thinking this lot, right, using psychological warfare in the lobby of their own building, got to give it to them. And yet, I sit here and have to listen to it, so not sure if it’s really that great at the end of the day. And to read, Town & Country…Yeah there is no real comment to express the sadness in my heart to look at the magazines on the coffee table and only see those. I have no idea how long I have to wait, it could be a minute, it could be hours, God mother of Jesus I hope it is not hours, if anything this is purgatory. What else can I do but retreat into my mind? What am I doing here? Helping people? I need help if anyone does; I mean angels are telling me to do stuff. That typically does not end well right? Maybe I should just get the heck out of here. Go to Las Vegas Culver City
So after just when I was about to break down and pick up an issue of Town & Country Elijah opened the door to the back.
Elijah: We’re ready for you. You can come back.
Me: What’s this all about? You better not have me fighting vampires or Lex Luthor, I mean at least not without ninja training or giving me the X-Men to use at my disposal, well not Wolverine, he is just going to make trouble, and then that affects the mission and my leadership, and…
Elijah opens the door marked “4” it was so bright it stopped me in my tracks. Do rappers see angels a lot? Is that why they were sunglasses all the time? Them and Corey Hart. Plus the walls were all white, lame and stereotypical yes, but also reflective and bright as shit, probably all part of the keeping demons out or something. My eyes are never going to adjust to this, guess I gotta bust out my shades, so I can keep track of visions in my eyes, or some such nonsense. Anyway, an angel by the name of Hamaliel was waiting for me standing behind his desk. Dude looks like a Nerdatron.
Hamaliel: Welcome, have a seat. I am Hamaliel. You are Bach. Let us begin our discussion. (Wow, this guy is going to be a bastard, I already know it.)
Elijah leans back against the wall to the side of me while Nerdatron sits down, and I sit down in one of the two chairs in front of the desk. I have such a bad feeling about this. I am about to get wacked. I just know it.
Hamaliel: Do you know why you are here? (Not giving me a moment to answer) You are here to do the work of Heaven.
Me: God?
Hamaliel: To do the work of Heaven. You have been assigned to duty on Earth to assist us in our strategic assortment and deployment of activities in the method that we see fit.
Me: Why?
Hamaliel: Not important. It does not affect your willingness, as you are compliant and shall not become difficult.
Me: Oh?
Hamaliel: We have decided to birth you on a mission to Las Vegas
Me: You want me to destroy the whole city?
Hamaliel: Do not be foolish. You do not have the capacity to ravish an entire city nor do you have the ability to comprehend our dealings. You know not of right and wrong.
Me: So, what then, gambling, prostitution, blatant commercialism, exploiting the weakness of man for profit? What am I stopping?
Hamaliel: I miss the days when humans could not speak. They have not the make for understanding. You will turn off a portal. That is all.
Me: Just flip a switch. That sounds super easy. Do I get a stipend, you know for expenses?
Hamaliel: Easy is not the correct word. You will likely parish. But we have assigned help to you. There is a being that protects this portal. You must seize the being, cause the being to expire and lay the portal to ruin.
And like that Nerdatron sonic-boomed, only it was muted for my protection, away, probably off to be a dick to someone else.
Me: Elijah, just want to recap. I’m going to Vegas to find some evil dude, use him to find his portal, and then kill him and destroy his portal?
Elijah: You will have help.
Elijah places a bag full of clothes and money on the desk.
Elijah: This is for you to use as you see fit. And these two will assist you.
Two angels light-burst through the floor. Is it a good sign when angels come through the floor of a single story building?
Elijah: This is Samandiriel. Samandiriel will help you discover what to do, and this is Qaphsiel. Qaphsiel will help keep you safe when there is no sun.
Vampires or Lex Luthor!! Why am I so prophetic?
Elijah: Settle yourself and go. You must make haste. You have only three days before we will act in a stronger manner. You do not want that.
Light-burst, and Elijah is gone. Angels must think it is super cool to explode with light to travel, but when you are a human, and you have to watch it happen, it’s not cool, it kind of burns your eyes, even with my shades. You would think they might have the curtsy to at least warn you, allowing for you to shield your eyes. But like I said, they are kinda assholes.
Qaphsiel: Are you ready to depart?
Samandiriel: We should go now.
Me: Ok, ok, ok. Just cool your jets. We need to get a few things straight first. Names. Your names are crazy as shit. No way can I pronounce them. Not gonna even try. You are Sam and you are Teen Wolf. Second, how much money is that?
Samandiriel: It is one hundred thousand US dollars.
Me: Serious! Oh God that’s tight!
Only then I remember that I have to defeat vampire Lex Luthor and all I have are two angels who more than likely are utterly worthless, and I’m just going to get my ass kicked while they hide and call the cops, something lame like that, I bet they are flunkies just here to make me feel important, or it’s a suicide mission and this is the honorable way for them to die. Plus! They look like radioactive primitive humanoids. Cabbage-Patch Kid heads with Ken doll bodies, oozing with white light, goofy looking sons of bitches. Basically, it’s probably the design that some drunk ass angel that hates humans musta come up with, utterly suspect. Fucking flunkies! I know, I was on a good language streak, but fuck, this shit is fuck.
Me: Hmm, third, is there anyway you two can not look like retarded glow-in-the-dark Barbie rejects. You fit in about as well as I fit in playing in the NBA.
One of my more unPC statements, oh well, like any of us is clean. Sam and Teen Wolf pick up a Town & Country issue and morph themselves into two of the models. Sam’s kinda hot, yet stuck-up, and Teen Wolf looks like an enormous douche. And they are now naked with human genitalia, which is not fantastic, and yes I looked, at both, Teen Wolf must have a strong opinion of his personality because he’s certainly not overcompensating and sadly the same is true for Sam. Is it bad to have dirty thoughts about an angel?
Samandiriel: Do we please your expectations now?
Qaphsiel: How is my form?
Why do they both need to be here? Sam, she can stay, but Teen Wolf is just going to cramp my style.
Me: Fine. You both look fine. Put some clothes on.
Going to Vegas with two catalogue models with one hundred Gs sounds pretty good, minus the whole I have to find and murder some evil dude and then blow up his portal, and where does this portal go anyway, right, should I use the portal first just to see, I mean what if it goes to the Island ! I would probably join the Others over the Darma Initiative, too much structure. The Others just do whatever the heck they like, well that is not really true, they are structured too, and crazy, and I just want to hang out with Sawyer and Kate, I wonder if Sam could morph into Kate, that might just do the trick, course then she would be super recognizable and blow our cover, better to be just a few wild kids out on the town, I wonder what would happen if we ran into those models that they stole their look from, would the world explode like Dr. Brown theorized, or would they just think, huh, I have a weird dumbass evil twin, even though Sam is an angel, so the model is probably the evil twin, and how can I ditch Teen Wolf.
Qaphsiel: Ready.
Me: Ok, we are spies, like James Bond Jr. I am James and you two are like my sidekick friends. I speak, you follow.
Samandiriel: Now we depart.
Me: So, do we get to transmorphize and beam there, or something. Or, or…Are you going to fly me there, cause that is cool too!
Samandiriel: Humans are not capable of these feats.
Me: Great. So, what then, we are going to walk there?
Qaphsiel: No. That would take a period of time greater than there is available for this engagement.
Me: Way to think on your feet Teen Wolf. Fine! I’ll figure something out.
Flunkies! Why do I have to battle the forces of evil and not get to do badass shit like fly and teleport? It’s just weak. No way is anyone going to rent me a car, and stealing a car is probably way harder than it seems. It looks so easy in the movies, course those dudes are equipped with the skills too. Dammit, screw Teen Wolf, John Conner would be so much more helpful right now, grownup badass John Conner coming back from the future to kill vampire Lex Luthor, that is what I need. That, or a car.
Me: We need a car. Either of you know how to hotwire one?
Sam walks right up to me, looks me square in the eyes, I kinda think we are about to make out or something. Dude, Teen Wolf needs to just get out of here, why am I even looking at him, I should just kiss this girl, damn Chris Christ I am such a lame-a-zoid, just kiss her, what is going on, she is just staring at me right in my face and now she is putting her hands on my shoulders, I really hope she does not look down, wait why is Teen Wolf coming over too! OH NO!!!
So have you ever watched Underworld? You know when Lucien turns from a human looking dude to a lycan, that shit happened to me. Only I became I blended 80s’ TV show abomination. That’s right! I turned into a fucking A-Team van that talks like Mr. Feeny. The only thing that would have been cool about this is if Teen Wolf would have surfed on my roof all the way to Vegas, eventually loosing his balance in the desert, never to be seen again. Ok, sure being Nightrider sounds kinda cool, it’s not. Sam and Teen Wolf just sat inside me and I had to drive the whole way to Vegas. Fucking bugs hitting me in the face, rocks bouncing up, shitty ass road payment, being a van sucks complete ass. Plus, I am a VAN, I haul no ass, I had to freaking lag and job it up in the slow lane. I blame Teen Wolf for this.
It took like eight hours to get to Vegas. I feel dirtier than I have ever felt in my whole life. All the exhaust and crap flying in my face from all the traffic, I probably just lost ten years off my life. Great idea Sam, turn me into a van! That is much easier than just materializing a car that is not me or using your angel powers to fly us there or heck why did they just not give us money to begin with! I could of just bought a car for cash. That would have been super easy…WAIT…wait a minute…OH GOD DAMMIT!!! I’m so use to being super poor that I totally forgot that we have a bag full of money! I hate my life. I really do. And look at Teen Wolf, just sitting there inside me, a lot good he has been, could have just reminded me that we have money, totally cock-blocking me all the time. We’re staying a suite at the Bellagio or in some baller ass place cause otherwise I am just going back to Montana
We finally pull into the Bellagio parking structure. Sam turns me back into me.
Me: Sam! NEVER turn me into the A-Team van again. NEVER! Next time…
Samandiriel: We have arrived. We must proceed with the objective.
Me: You’re lucky you are money…You don’t know how money you are. (Come on, it is Vegas, this is how people talk here.) We’re checking into a suit here, I’m taking five showers, then I’m taking a nap, then, and only then, are either of you allowed to talk about objectives and missions.
I did literally take five showers, the hotel clerk was never going to give me a room the way I looked until I made it rain all over the lobby, again, I’m in Vegas, this is what people do here. And napping is one of the five best things to ever happen to me in my life. What are the other four? Good question…Probably Nirvana’s album catalogue, the existence of Asian food, Joe Sakic schooling the shit out of Scott Stevens in the 2001 Stanley Cup Finals, and the future awesomeness that is going to happen between me and Sam. You laugh. But I know that shit’s going to happen. If only I could man up or something. Well, I kinda already manned up…On to another subject, my suite’s super awesome. Plus, I made Teen Wolf stay in the closet, told him it was customary, or some such nonsense. Was going to tell Sam she could crash in my room, but wimped out a little, plus she wanted to keep watch and stuff.
Qaphsiel: Wake up Bach. We have discovered the portal.
Samandiriel: Wake up. It is time to fulfill your duty.
Me: (Just opening my eyes to see Sam’s face) Sam? Oh good you came, I was just thinking about you, come and join me…
Qaphsiel: Are you ready?
Me: Teen Wolf! Is that you!
Sure enough, asshole was sitting on the end of my bed Indian style staring at me, while Sam was standing looking down at me.
Me: I thought I told you to stay in the closet in the hall. I see that you have emerged from the closet, no big surprise, but why are you sitting on my bed?
Samandiriel: It is time.
Me: Yeah it could’ve been (Shaking my head at Teen Wolf).
Qaphsiel: The portal is coming out of the pyramid piercing our realm. The evil one is there.
Me: The Luxor
Samandiriel: We will defeat this Carrot Top.
Me: And his evil props!
True enough, the Luxor does have a beam of light shooting into the sky, and coincidence that “Luxor
Me: Ok, Sam you’re with me, we’ll find Carrot Top. Teen Wolf, you figure out a way to turn off the portal. Break. Oh, and Teen Wolf, keep it on the DL, please, last thing we need is Vegas security arresting us and feeding us to Carrot Top in his pre-show smoothie. Just act like a human (Probably asking too much, but just gotta put it out there). Sam let’s go.
Sam and I head up the escalator to the Carrot Top auditorium. I really don’t feel optimistic about this, finding Carrot Top and all, no way he’s just going to be out in the open. And as we get to the top of the escalator route, there he is, just standing there looking scary and evil, also known as just standing there signing autographs.
Me: Ok be cool…Be cool. That’s Carrot Top.
Samandiriel: That man is not who we are looking for. I do not see his aura to be non-human.
Me: No I am sure he is evil. We better capture him to be safe.
Samandiriel: I will not harm an innocent human.
Me: Innocent! Look at him! Tell me he isn’t evil.
Samandiriel: He is not evil.
Me: We’ll see about that…Carrot Top you evil motherfucker! I’m coming for you!
Note to future Vegas and Luxor visitors, don’t yell out “evil motherfucker, I’m coming for you!” inside the casino, directed at one of the “stars” cause yeah, the casino Po-po will be on you like me with an axe on Barney, fuck that purple asshole teaching children to read and be literate. You just know, despite killing him with an axe being fairly cliché, that once he does teach the ghetto children to read he fucking eats them, cause who gives a shit about ghetto children, not our government, not Bono, well not in private at least, motherfucker spends all his time making music and saving the world and yet everyone thinks he is a huge darsh, like if Bono cured AIDS, everyone would still think, yep he gave all the children of Africa Magic Johnson money and effectively “cured” AIDS and yet he is a piece of shit, I hate Bono. Barney is like Bono, only he eats the ghetto children. Not sure what Bono does, but the fact that there is just something not right about him, despite his charity, makes me think he is up to something. Therefore, Barney can eat them, get paid, look like a decent dinosaur, and get away with it, clean, cause no one really cares. Anyway, anyway, anyway, don’t attack a hotel employed ass-hat like Carrot Top, cause the pigs rain down upon you.
Me: Come on Sam, let’s get ‘em!
Sam did not follow me as I ran towards Carrot Top, who surprising looked completely unfazed, like it was a common occurrence for some random dude to yell some shit and try to attack him, or he knew that there was no way I was going to make it to him. And I didn’t. Undercover casino five-oh Billy-clubbed me to the floor fast as shit. Dragged me to a holding cell, and locked me up. Sam just watched. Not sure if I won points for bravery and courage or lost them for stupidity, I’d like to think the former. Sat there not but ten minutes when Sam was dragged in, her hands shackled in iron clamps. Apparently iron is like angel kryptonite, who knows why.
Me: Sam! Are you alright! What happened!
Sam is thrown in the cell with me. It’s evident that the iron is causing her great pain as she collapses onto the floor.
Samandiriel: The iron. It makes me weak.
Me: I’ll try and get them off.
I try to get them off, but it’s just not going to happen. Sam passes out. I look up and see Carrot Top standing in front of the cell.
Carrot Top: What’s your deal bud? Why’d you wanna attack me? I don’t even know you. Do I?
Me: I’m sorry man. I thought you were a dark angel or something, or a demon, maybe just like an evil monster thing in disguise.
Carrot Top: Oddly, I kind of get that a lot. Comes with the look I guess. Is your friend alright?
Me: No. I don’t think so at all. Can you help us? I need to get these clamps off her, she is allergic to iron.
Carrot Top: She is! Guard! Guard, we need some help in here!
A random guard looking dude enters.
Carrot Top: Get these cuffs off her, she is allergic to them.
Me: Thanks! I’m so sorry…
The room fell dark, green eyes glaring at me, suddenly I hear a slashing sound, glistening flashes of light, and liquid splashes on my face. The lights come up, Carrot Top and the guard are gone, but blood and human debris collage with the floor, ceiling, walls, and my face. Nothing else is there. Sam is still breathing, but she is pale and needs help. Casino guards pile into the room, each with a more terrified expression upon entry.
Me: Help…Help me.
I can barely make the words come out. A guard pukes. They stand in silence, all staring at me. I notice the cell door is open. Wait, the blade is in my hand. I can smell a foul stench, not left by the mess, but something I can’t describe, a lingering breath. They think it was me. They each begin to reach for their sidearm. I’m not long for this world. I look back at Sam. I’m scared, but I still feel sad that I can’t help her. They’re aiming at me. Any moment they’ll open fire. My life does not pass before my eyes. I just wish I could’ve lived up to what Elijah sees in me, for I don’t see it in myself. Any second now! I’m not brave. I cower, and look away. I can’t face it. CRASH!!! Teen Wolf, looking like fucking Teen Wolf from Teen Wolf Too, sunglasses and all, but more massive and powerful, blows through the wall engulfing the entire brigade smashing them all against the other wall rending them all disabled. It is the single greatest thing I have ever seen.
Qaphsiel: We need to get to the portal. Only you can disable it.
Like I’m able to talk at this moment in time:
Me: Ummmmmm...Ummmmm…
Teen Wolf sees the iron on Sam’s wrists.
Qaphsiel: We need to get that iron off Samandiriel or we must leave her here, with the iron she is too weak to serve her purpose.
Me: Ummm…No, we’re not leaving her (I snap out of it). Look for a key of some sort.
Qaphsiel: There are only keys that go to hand-cuffs. These are specifically for angels, someone knew we were coming.
Me: Then you’ll carry her.
Qaphsiel: She will slow us down. The sun is almost up. We can come back once the mission is complete.
Me: We’re not leaving her, now help me.
I know right, I sound like a badass Hollywood action hero or something. But what can I say. She’s cute. Makes you do crazy shit.
Teen Wolf throws me a shirt he rips off an unconscious guard. It’s crazy to look at him and sorta terrifying, he’s like eight feet tall.
Qaphsiel: Wrap her hands in this.
Teen Wolf carries Sam. I woulda but shit he’s like twenty five million times stronger, so why not let him. We make are way out of the casino police area.
Me: Where’s everyone? Guess you smashed them all back there. Where’s the portal? You find it?
Qaphsiel: It is in the tip of the pyramid.
Me: Wait, look this door says “4” on it. I feel like this is the way.
Opening the door I get and odd sensation and SWOOP! I’m sucked in and up cascading to probably my doom, shit it has to happen today, no one is lucky enough to survive the shit I just did back there. Didn’t die, instead I find myself in the portal room. Remember the room at Wolfram & Heart’s LA Office that was all white where the conduit was? This room reminds me of that room.
Something passes through the portal. PLOOP!
Me: HEY! Wait!
Then, Teen Wolf joins me. He lays Sam down.
Qaphsiel: You found it.
No big deal. It was pretty easy.
Me: I just saw something pass through the portal, but it was shrouded in darkness (I know, shrouded in darkness, fucking cliché, but it freaking was!).
Qaphsiel: Destroy it.
Me: Right. How am I doing this?
Teen Wolf looking at me like I’m maybe the most worthless, useless thing he has ever laid eyes on:
Qaphsiel: If I knew, I would destroy it myself. Elijah picked you. You are the one that must do it.
Me: Well shit, here goes nothing.
Never going to guess what I did, I punched the portal. I punched a watery looking transportative surface. My hand broke the plain, it felt icky, and nothing happened.
Me: Great!
Qaphsiel: Did you just punch it! What kind of plan is that?
Me: A bad one? Wait! HAHAHA! I fucking know what to do! Go find some iron, wrap it up so it doesn’t put you in a wolfy comma and bring it back. I’ll stay here and protect Sam.
Qaphsiel: You want me to get you a piece of iron? Why?
Me: Just do it. I’m Neo, remember. Not you.
And like that, Teen Wolf was gone, leaving me all alone with Sam, looking like she was on the precipice, us just hanging out in evil central. Only, my only means of protection is in an iron induced comma and the dark shadowy dude could come back any minute. And he did.
Me: SHIT!!! Sam you gotta wake now! I really need you.
The dark figure approaches. I’m scared. I begin to shake Sam, she needs to wake up and help me. I’m feeble; I have no power within me. I put my hands upon her arms.
Me: (Whimpering, dude I was scared, dudes whimper, it happens, it’s just not me) Sam please, please help me.
The darkness cloaks around me. I try to shield Sam with my body. I close my eyes. A day like today, it was only a matter of time I guess. I’m defeated for sure this time.
Qaphsiel: ISRAFIL!!! Step away!
TEEN WOLF, motherfucking Teen Wolf! Fuck everything I said before. This dude! This dude is tight as shit. This dude is a bad motherfucker man. Teen Wolf charges Darkwing Duck (Israfil) knocking him to the floor. Evil dude sort of looked like a duck close up, and was wearing just the same hat and a purple shirt, and was caped in darkness.
Qaphsiel: Are you ok Bach?
Me: Yes.
Darkwing Duck regroups.
Israfil: Qaphsiel, the night is waning, dawn breaks, you are finished.
Darkwing Duck almost seems to glide across the floor, like fog on a damp morning. I can tell than Teen Wolf is getting weaker, his robust appearance diminishes with each passing moment. Darkwing Duck lifts him off the ground and hurls him across the room into the far wall. Teen Wolf struggles to regain his footing. This is not looking good. I remember the dirt on my face being transformed into a car. Somehow Sam did that to me. There must be away she can transform me into something that can help. I put my hands on her shoulders, as she lay there, barely still alive, and I imagined a way to help. I imagined I was Taurus Bulba, nemesis of Darwing Duck, in his Steerminator form no less, but Sam even in her comma-like state had a better idea. My right hand became a key. Good thinking right. Glad one of us has a brain. I unlocked her clamps with my skeleton key hand, which really grossed me out to look at it, but hey this is war, so I pushed through. I took the clamps in my hands and backed away from Sam, giving her space to awaken without me leering over her. Darkwing Duck turned to see Sam standing in all of her radiance.
Israfil: Until next we meet.
And like that, Darkwing flapped his dastardly wussy ass back through the portal.
Me: I know what to do!
I took the iron clamps, ran up to the portal and chucked them into it. A stroke of genius, I know right. The portal discombobulated and collapsed in on itself, and was nice enough to leave a parting gift – an energy pulse that knocked me back like ten feet. And you guessed it, back in the hospital once again. Rocking it with angels is just not going well at all for me. But on a side note, Sam did thank me for helping her and kissed my cheek!! So, good stuff too, that’s right, I’m in like Flint
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